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Thursday, August 28, 2014

Worst Things That Happened To Me On A Date

These are the top ten worst things that happened to me while I was on a date. Some dates are terrible. First dates are usually disastrous. Most of my worse dates scenarios come from men over sharing. Zipping the lip goes a long way in life. That is the best lesson a man can learn. No matter how embarrassingly terrible the date is you have to grin until its over. As soon as its over, you have to share the horror story with your best girlfriends. So here goes. These are in no particular order. They all sucked on multiple levels.

10. While having dinner at a steak house, this one guy told me that after work he goes home and cuddles up on the couch with his cat. The visual almost made me threw up in my own mouth.  I’m not sure I’m fond of a man using the word cuddle and cat in the same sentence.

9.  While on a second date at the movies with a guy that was much too young for me (10 years), he told me he had a girlfriend but he liked older women. He wanted kids one day and all the older woman didn’t want to have kids so he had to have a girlfriend his own age to eventually marry. I had to restrain the urge to throat punch him. 

8.  A guy told me he was bipolar in a joking way. A few months later I discovered it wasn’t a joke. He was quad-polar. He refused to take his medication so he was a hot depressed mess and a hot manic mess. Mental illness is nothing to joke about.

7.  In my early twenties I went on a date with a guy that took me to Taco Bell. He proceeded to lick all eleven of his fingers. No serious, entire finger in the mouth with the smacking noises in high-definition surround sound IMAX theater style. Finger Licking Gross!

6.  I once went on a date with a short guy. He had hair plugs but that wasn’t the problem. While at Starbucks, he made snide comments about every single woman that entered Starbucks with high heel shoes on. He was snapping in a buttoned up suit and tie white man way. I was so glad I was wearing flats because I’m quite sure he would have stoned me. It’s not Christian Louboutin, Prada, Manolo Blahnik  and Jimmy Choos fault you're short.

5.  I once went on a platonic friend-date with a guy that bragged about his clothes (every guy wears Lacoste, that’s nothing to brag about), his job (I made more money than him but decided to not mention it), and the Porsche that he was going to go halvies on with his best buddy. Yes, I said halvies on a Porsche. He was going to share the sportscar… like all normal late 30 something year-old men. They would share getting the car three days apiece and one day of rest for the car. Huh? I just report the news. I don’t make it.

4.  I once went on a movie date with a guy to see Swordfish on opening night. We were late. Not my fault, he was slow.  We entered during the previews. We had to sit in the very first row of the packed theater. The entire movie he stared at me. He was burning my peripheral vision up. Awkward, Weird, Creepy. Halle Barry just flashed her boobs. Are you really looking at me and not the movie screen?

3. I went out on a date with a guy who showed me a picture of himself when he we strung out on heroin. Okay I guess there’s nothing more to write about that one.

2. I had a date with a guy and he over-shared by telling me he slept with his stepmother for YEARS, starting when he was fifteen.  He was proud and bragging about it to me. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! Appalled, I asked him, “What did your father ever do to you?” He shrugged and said "nothing"… Jesus take the wheel. I can’t drive.

1. An older guy I knew I had nothing in common with begged me for a date. We went to the movies. While at the ticket counter he reached in his front pocket for his money to pay. All his bills were balled up into individual pieces. He had to un-crumble them before he gave them to the ticket lady. Of course there was a long line behind us. He talked the entire movie. He asked me questions like it was a hard movie to follow. He kept calling Kevin Bacon, Tom Cruise. As if they look like. The movie was Hollow Man. A small child could understand the plot. 

 I have had enough terrible dates to last a lifetime. I'm not sure how I can even write Erotic Romance after those dates.