These are the top ten worst things that happened to me while I was on a date. Some dates are terrible. First dates are usually disastrous.
Most of my worse dates scenarios come from men over sharing. Zipping the lip
goes a long way in life. That is the best lesson a man can learn. No matter how
embarrassingly terrible the date is you have to grin until its over. As soon as its over, you have to share the horror story with
your best girlfriends. So here goes. These are in no particular order. They all
sucked on multiple levels.
10. While having dinner at a steak house, this one guy told
me that after work he goes home and cuddles up on the couch with his cat. The
visual almost made me threw up in my own mouth. I’m not sure I’m fond of a man using the word
cuddle and cat in the same sentence.
9. While on a second
date at the movies with a guy that was much too young for me (10 years), he
told me he had a girlfriend but he liked older women. He wanted kids one day
and all the older woman didn’t want to have kids so he had to have a girlfriend
his own age to eventually marry. I had to restrain the urge to throat punch
him.
8. A guy told me he
was bipolar in a joking way. A few months later I discovered it wasn’t a joke.
He was quad-polar. He refused to take his medication so he was a hot depressed
mess and a hot manic mess. Mental illness is nothing to joke about.
7. In my early
twenties I went on a date with a guy that took me to Taco Bell. He proceeded to
lick all eleven of his fingers. No serious, entire finger in the mouth with the
smacking noises in high-definition surround sound IMAX theater style. Finger Licking Gross!
6. I once went on a
date with a short guy. He had hair plugs but that wasn’t the problem. While at
Starbucks, he made snide comments about every single woman that entered
Starbucks with high heel shoes on. He was snapping in a buttoned up suit and
tie white man way. I was so glad I was wearing flats because I’m quite sure he
would have stoned me. It’s not Christian Louboutin, Prada, Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choos fault
you're short.
5. I once went on a
platonic friend-date with a guy that bragged about his clothes (every guy wears
Lacoste, that’s nothing to brag about), his job (I made more money than him but
decided to not mention it), and the Porsche that he was going to go halvies on
with his best buddy. Yes, I said halvies on a Porsche. He was going to share the
sportscar… like all normal late 30 something year-old men. They would share getting the car three days apiece and
one day of rest for the car. Huh? I just report the news. I don’t make it.
4. I once went on a
movie date with a guy to see Swordfish on opening night. We were late. Not my
fault, he was slow. We entered during
the previews. We had to sit in the very first row of the packed theater. The
entire movie he stared at me. He was burning my peripheral vision up. Awkward,
Weird, Creepy. Halle Barry just flashed her boobs. Are you really looking at me
and not the movie screen?
3. I went out on a date with a guy who showed me a picture
of himself when he we strung out on heroin. Okay I guess there’s nothing more
to write about that one.
2. I had a date with a guy and he over-shared by telling me
he slept with his stepmother for YEARS, starting when he was fifteen. He was proud and bragging about it to me. TOO
MUCH INFORMATION! Appalled, I asked him, “What did your father ever do to you?”
He shrugged and said "nothing"… Jesus take the wheel. I can’t drive.
1. An older guy I knew I had nothing in common with begged
me for a date. We went to the movies. While at the ticket counter he reached in
his front pocket for his money to pay. All his bills were balled up into individual pieces. He had to un-crumble them before he gave them to the ticket
lady. Of course there was a long line behind us. He talked the entire movie.
He asked me questions like it was a hard movie to follow. He kept calling Kevin
Bacon, Tom Cruise. As if they look like. The movie was Hollow Man. A small child
could understand the plot.
